New Year - New Me?

I rarely make New Years Resolutions - I prefer to focus on short term goals because quite often I don't even know what next week will bring, never mind next month or the rest of the year. However I do like to have something long-term to aim for, so this year I have decided to stop hiding away and finding excuses for not doing things and seeing people. Over the last couple of years, since I decided I needed to be a full-time mum and not even work part-time so that I can be completely flexible to work around the needs of my daughters - particularly my Aspergers daughter - I have become gradually more and more isolated from the world outside my home. Some of this has been unavoidable, but a lot of it has been due to exhaustion, depression and frustration with making plans and then having to change them at the last minute due to the needs of my children. Of course isolating myself has not helped my depression at all which in turn led to me isolating myself even more because making the effort to go out was just too much most days. It was easier to stay at home and distract myself from the reality of life with TV, facebook and sleep than it was to go out and meet people and have to face up to how different my life was from how I had hoped and planned and imagined it would be. It is possible that the hiding away and denial was all part of the process of accepting the changes that needed to be made both in my life and in my perspective, but I think maybe I had got stuck in a rut and needed something to shake me up and boy did I get it!

My wake up call started towards the end of last year when a good friend became seriously ill after having a baby. She had been ill throughout the pregnancy and was looking forward to getting back to normal after the birth, unfortunately this was not the case as an oversight/mistake by the hospital led to her developing a huge DVT in her leg which then led to numerous Pulmonary Embolisms, some of which were very serious, and have left her lungs permanently damaged and her leg will take several years to get better (if it ever does). Seeing my friend (and her family) go through this challenge has been humbling as I have seen her faith help her overcome almost impossible situations and still be able to get up and carry on.

The next part of my wake-up call was when I became aware that someone I knew needed help. This person (I'll call her J) was not a close friend but I had known her for several years - more as a friend of my sister. At the time I needed to feel useful and appreciated and to have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day - as all mothers know, motherhood is a thankless task sometimes and it is hard to feel successful when you know you have to fight the same battles again the next day and the laundry basket never stays empty! So I offered to go to J's house one morning a week and help in whatever way I could - whether it be doing housework, playing with her toddler, soothing her baby or just being a friend. I certainly didn't anticipate the effect that this would have on my life. Since I started visiting J I have come to know and love her as a really good friend and I hope our friendship will continue to grow. Visiting J and developing this friendship helped me to realise how much I missed just 'hanging out' with friends.

The last part of my wake-up call was the unexpected death of my mother-in-law on Christmas Eve. I am very lucky because I love my in-laws and my mother-in-law has helped me a lot over the years, particularly when my daughters were little. Before my mother-in-law was admitted to hospital and then passed away I must admit I had quite selfish plans for the Christmas holidays which included a fair amount of eating, sleeping, reading and watching TV. My husband had 2 weeks off over Christmas and I planned to make the most of this and have some much needed 'me time'. Instead we spent the Christmas holidays coming to terms with the loss of a much loved member of our family. Obviously this was a very difficult time for us all – the girls needed extra love and patience as they struggled to understand why Grandma died and where she is now, and my husband was dealing with both his own grief and his father's grief, as well as helping his dad to make the necessary arrangements with the hospital and the funeral directors and to keep everyone informed as to what was happening. However, even though this was a sad time we were able to be sustained and strengthened by our faith in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, and the knowledge that we will see our Mum/Grandma/Wife again in the next life and also the knowledge that she is free from pain and suffering and is busy doing the Lord's work in the Spirit World. I have been able to benefit from feeling the love of many, many wonderful brothers and sisters at church who did all they could to help, and also from feeling the love of my Saviour. All these experiences have helped me to renew my commitment to making the most of every day and focusing on the things that are important in life.