Mother Knows Best!

Nowadays it seems that everyone - from family members to the lady who stares at your child in the supermarket - has an opinion on the right way to raise your child. In the past I have lacked the self-confidence and self-esteem to treat unhelpful 'advice' with the pinch of salt it deserves and have felt inadequate as a mother. I am not saying that sincere, caring, constructive parenting help shouldn't be given, but I truly believe that in most cases a childs mother (and father) is the best person to decide what works for them and their child. I remember once when my 2 eldest daughter were little and I seemed to be fighting a losing battle with depression that I told a friend that I felt the girls would be better off with anyone other than me. I will never forget what she said to me. She said "You may feel like you are not the best mother in the world, but YOU are the best mother for YOUR girls." It took me a while to understand what this really meant but over time I came to see that she was right, the best mother for my girls is me because I know them and love them like no-one else can.
Anyway, once I learned to take other peoples opinions with a pinch of salt, attended several different parenting courses over the years and read numerous books on parenting I felt like I had a fairly good handle on the whole parenting thing. I knew I would make mistakes but I also knew I would learn from them. THEN came the battle to get help for DD2 (darling daughter no.2) as it became clear as she had some difficulties and challenges that I wasn't equipped to deal with. All of a sudden I had a whole new set of people telling me what to do, what not to do, questioning my parenting skills and mental health and not believing or understanding the things I was telling them. The difference this time was that they were professionals and so I felt that I had to listen to them as they were the ones with experience. Well, over the last few years I have learned that although these professionals know a lot about various Syndromes, Disorders and Spectrums they don't know MY child as well as I do and they can only follow their guidelines and do things by the book. I also learned that the best way to get help is to never give up, don't go away quietly and most importantly trust my instincts!

sensory overload!

Just a short post today to share some news. Today I went to CAMHS with DD2 to get her Sensory Preferences Assessment Report. (Warning - slightly boring info coming up! Sensory processing refers to the way the nervous system receives sensory messages and turns them into responses). DD2 is over-responsive (registers sensations more intensely) to sound, sight, movement, touch and smell. This basically means that everything is louder, brighter, faster, hotter, colder, smellier and generally more overwhelming than it is for us! To get a small sense of what this is like go to YouTube and search for "An animated introduction to asperger syndrome - part 2"
I watched this short video with DD2 yesterday and she said it is very accurate - it certainly helped me to understand her confusion and frustration sometimes and I hope it helps me to remember to be more patient with her. I hope that sharing this video will also help others to understand a little bit more about Aspergers Syndrome.

Hope for the future?

Well last week was an interesting one - full of ups and downs, and this post is about the biggest up of the week. On Thursday I had a meeting at CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) - basically a review to see how DD2 (darling daughter no.2) is getting on at school, at home and whether there is any therapy or other help that CAMHS can offer at the moment. I was dreading this meeting and even had a nightmare about it! I was worried that I was going to be told that there was nothing more that CAMHS could do to help and that we were just going to have to deal with things as they are. I don't know why I felt this way, I just did.
Anyway, my fears were mostly unfounded. A few days before the meeting DD2 received an invitation to attend a "This is Me" course (a group for kids that have been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder - ASD - and want to know more about it and how it may affect them). This may or may not be helpful for DD2 but it is something she has asked for and something I feel she may benefit greatly from. At the review meeting DD2's case worker expressed concern about DD2 attending as some of the others that have been invited are very boisterous and noisy which may be difficult for DD2 to cope with but, after discussion, a plan was decided on which will give DD2 the opportunity to attend with no pressure to stay longer than a few minutes if it is too much for her.
My next concern was with regards to schooling for DD2. At the moment DD2 is attending a Short Stay Medical School - for children who are unable to attend their regular school because of a medical problem - due to her Severe Anxiety meaning she is unable to cope with the busy, stressful schedule of a regular school. This school has been a great help and DD2 is now going to school most days and her attendance is improving all the time, but it is just a short-term measure and so it is necessary to consider where she goes next. Academically DD2 is very intelligent and capable of achieving very good results in her GCSE's but regular high school without a lot of extra help would be too stressful for her. However most 'special' schools are for children with learning difficulties so would struggle to cater for a child needing a higher level of education. This leaves us in a position where we need to get an educational statement of needs which will hopefully enable DD2 to attend a regular high school and get all the additional support she needs to make it possible for her to achieve her potential. So now starts the long (approx 6-9 months maybe longer) process of getting a statement for DD2. Fortunately I am able to start the ball rolling myself, rather than waiting for DD2's school to get around to it, so I will be ringing the Educational Psychologist this week once CAMHS have given me their number. I will keep you posted on how that goes!
As far as CAMHS are concerned there is no therapy or groups (other than "This is Me") that they feel would be beneficial for DD2 at this time, but they will continue to be available for any help or advice that I need. DD2 will also continue to see her psychiatrist who will monitor the medication she takes to help with her anxiety.
I am feeling more hopeful now than I was before the review meeting, I feel that this year will be a good one for DD2 as she continues her journey of accepting her diagnosis and learning how to cope with a sometimes frustrating and confusing world.

New Year - New Me?

I rarely make New Years Resolutions - I prefer to focus on short term goals because quite often I don't even know what next week will bring, never mind next month or the rest of the year. However I do like to have something long-term to aim for, so this year I have decided to stop hiding away and finding excuses for not doing things and seeing people. Over the last couple of years, since I decided I needed to be a full-time mum and not even work part-time so that I can be completely flexible to work around the needs of my daughters - particularly my Aspergers daughter - I have become gradually more and more isolated from the world outside my home. Some of this has been unavoidable, but a lot of it has been due to exhaustion, depression and frustration with making plans and then having to change them at the last minute due to the needs of my children. Of course isolating myself has not helped my depression at all which in turn led to me isolating myself even more because making the effort to go out was just too much most days. It was easier to stay at home and distract myself from the reality of life with TV, facebook and sleep than it was to go out and meet people and have to face up to how different my life was from how I had hoped and planned and imagined it would be. It is possible that the hiding away and denial was all part of the process of accepting the changes that needed to be made both in my life and in my perspective, but I think maybe I had got stuck in a rut and needed something to shake me up and boy did I get it!

My wake up call started towards the end of last year when a good friend became seriously ill after having a baby. She had been ill throughout the pregnancy and was looking forward to getting back to normal after the birth, unfortunately this was not the case as an oversight/mistake by the hospital led to her developing a huge DVT in her leg which then led to numerous Pulmonary Embolisms, some of which were very serious, and have left her lungs permanently damaged and her leg will take several years to get better (if it ever does). Seeing my friend (and her family) go through this challenge has been humbling as I have seen her faith help her overcome almost impossible situations and still be able to get up and carry on.

The next part of my wake-up call was when I became aware that someone I knew needed help. This person (I'll call her J) was not a close friend but I had known her for several years - more as a friend of my sister. At the time I needed to feel useful and appreciated and to have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day - as all mothers know, motherhood is a thankless task sometimes and it is hard to feel successful when you know you have to fight the same battles again the next day and the laundry basket never stays empty! So I offered to go to J's house one morning a week and help in whatever way I could - whether it be doing housework, playing with her toddler, soothing her baby or just being a friend. I certainly didn't anticipate the effect that this would have on my life. Since I started visiting J I have come to know and love her as a really good friend and I hope our friendship will continue to grow. Visiting J and developing this friendship helped me to realise how much I missed just 'hanging out' with friends.

The last part of my wake-up call was the unexpected death of my mother-in-law on Christmas Eve. I am very lucky because I love my in-laws and my mother-in-law has helped me a lot over the years, particularly when my daughters were little. Before my mother-in-law was admitted to hospital and then passed away I must admit I had quite selfish plans for the Christmas holidays which included a fair amount of eating, sleeping, reading and watching TV. My husband had 2 weeks off over Christmas and I planned to make the most of this and have some much needed 'me time'. Instead we spent the Christmas holidays coming to terms with the loss of a much loved member of our family. Obviously this was a very difficult time for us all – the girls needed extra love and patience as they struggled to understand why Grandma died and where she is now, and my husband was dealing with both his own grief and his father's grief, as well as helping his dad to make the necessary arrangements with the hospital and the funeral directors and to keep everyone informed as to what was happening. However, even though this was a sad time we were able to be sustained and strengthened by our faith in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, and the knowledge that we will see our Mum/Grandma/Wife again in the next life and also the knowledge that she is free from pain and suffering and is busy doing the Lord's work in the Spirit World. I have been able to benefit from feeling the love of many, many wonderful brothers and sisters at church who did all they could to help, and also from feeling the love of my Saviour. All these experiences have helped me to renew my commitment to making the most of every day and focusing on the things that are important in life.

Just Keep Swimming!

Short and sweet, these words of wisdom from Dory the fish (from the film Finding Nemo) are my motto for this year. Every time I feel discouraged I think to myself "Just Keep Swimming" and smile at the picture of funny little Dory that pops into my head! Sometimes this is all we can do. We may not make any progress but as long as we keep our heads above water and make it to the end of the day without drowning then we can count that day as a success. Even when the shore seems an impossibly long way away as long as we keep swimming I know we will all make it there, and when you feel like you just can't do one more stroke then I know that our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, are there to keep us afloat while we take a deep breath and then carry on paddling. I hope this post will help any of you who are finding your personal challenges particularly hard at the moment to have hope that you will get there in the end.

Nobody has it worse - just different!

I have spent far too much time through the years feeling guilty for finding my life hard or for whinging about my problems when - as we hear so often - there is always someone whose life is harder or whose problems are worse than mine. Well, I have recently come to realise that this is actually not true. The truth is that no-one has it worse (or better) than me, but everyone has it different. We are all given different challenges in life. Some of us have physical challenges, some emotional, some mental and some financial. Our challenges can be big or small, time-consuming, energy-consuming, life-threatening, life-limiting, they can be personal challenges or they can involve family members or friends but they all have one thing in common - for the person going through it each challenge is hard. I firmly believe that our Father in Heaven gives each of us only the challenges that we need to teach us the lessons we came to earth to learn - and He will never give us a challenge or trial that we cannot cope with - even if sometimes we may wonder where the strength He knows we have is hiding! So.... next time you look at someone else's life and think - I could never cope with his/her challenge you are probably right (that's why it theirs and not yours) - but remember that they probably look at your challenge and think exactly the same!
I hope that I have managed to explain myself well enough and haven't upset anyone, after all this is just my opinion, and I hope that maybe after reading this you might feel better about finding your particular challenge difficult and allow yourself to acknowledge that you are entitled to have the occasional whinge - and then pick yourself up and carry on doing the fantastic job I know you are doing!

Where to start?

Hi and welcome to my world.
I have started this blog as the suggestion of a good friend for 3 main reasons. First as a way to record for myself and for my daughters the ins and outs of life in our house - who knows maybe we can learn something from it. Secondly as a way to vent frustrations and celebrate accomplishments - sometimes we all need a good whinge but equally we need to acknowledge our achievements and give ourselves a pat on the back (cos if we don't sometimes no-one else does!). Thirdly as a way to share the good and bad times with those of my friends who I don't see often enough, those who want to know more about me and anybody else who wants to drop in!
I hope you enjoy the ride!